Wednesday, September 10, 2014

The Art of Unsexiness

This is a clip of Carrie Heffernan on King of Queens, attempting to pole dance for Doug. It is painful to watch. Poor Carrie has no idea how to be seductive. Sadly, she reminds me of me. Not because I've pole danced before (I haven't. Not on purpose). But because I am the unsexiest person. Okay, this is only amusing because, like Carrie, I have a relatively fit body that should lend me at least a little sex-appeal, but my clumsiness and general lack of seductive know-how (or whatever you call the female equivalent of 'game') totally detract from that.

Last night was a perfect example of this. I decided to try on three sets of lingerie Clint had ordered for me. While I tried on each piece inside the bathroom, he sat waiting, ready to enjoy my fashion show. The following is more or less what he heard through the bathroom door:

Okay, babe, I'm trying on the first one...
(banging noises, cupboard doors slamming) Almost there...
Wait--why is there an extra hole?
Damn it--
(more banging) Okay, I think I've got it...
Crap, where am I supposed to put THAT?
No, this isn't right...
You're still there, right?
(muttering) If I put this leg here, and that one here...Okay, GOT IT.

*Saunters out gracefully like the whole process was a breeze*

At least I didn't hurt myself through this process by, I dunno, stabbing myself with a knife or something. Oh wait--YES I DID. Lingerie attempt #2 went something like this:

Alright babe, I'm putting on the second one...
Oh, this one is really cute!
Hold, on, I just have to figure out how to strap this thing-a-ma-jigger...
Oh, I think I got it...
Wait--why the hell would they put a tag there? No, no, no, that's a terrible spot for a tag. Do you have a knife...? I need to cut this sucker off...
(knife passed through door) (banging) Babe, you need to sharpen this knife. It's completely dull--
(giant bang)
(metal object clatters to floor)
(hubby cries out "Are you okay?")
(pause) (then singsong voice) Yeah, everything's going great!
(more slamming, clanking)
Um, do we have any band-aids?

*Saunters out gracefully again, looking hot as all get-out in skimpy lace garments accessorized with massively bloody thumb*

I never did get to lingerie attempt #3. By this point I was worried I'd burn the house down.

Maybe I should take lessons from Doug?

I swear the dude would get more tips than I would.


  1. Yeah, go Doug!! (I am TOTALLY tipping him!) ^_^
    I remember that episode. I think I could work a pole a little. Lol! As long as I didn't have to wear heels, because I so cannot walk in heels, it's embarrassing. Also, Doug puts my theory to shame. I'm way too scared to try anything but spinning. And I'm the giggly type. I don't think that's very sexy, working a pole while you're laughing your butt off, and then you have to stop because your sides hurt and you can't stand up straight anymore. Yeah. Lol! You're funny. ^_^

    I hope that thumb is okay! *hands over super sexy Hello Kitty band-aid* XD They go with EVERYTHING!

  2. I have to agree with you Krystal, I was quite impressed with how well Doug could work that pole! I wonder how much training he had to go through in real life to be able to do that (especially that upside down maneuver). I am laughing SO HARD about your high heels and giggling issue. Yeah, put those two things together and you'd be a train wreck on a pole. But at least you have some moves! Pretty sure I've got zilch.

  3. Replies
    1. Of the lingerie or the bloody thumb? ;)

    2. I agree with Shannon. It didn't happen unless we see pictures.

    3. You know, when I posted an entry about getting pink eye, no one requested pictures of THAT, but everyone mysteriously wants a picture of my bloody thumb? Hmmm. ;) ~Jodi

    4. Well, I suppose us horror writers will always be a little mysterious. But I'd take pics of pink-eyed Jodi, too!

    5. Yeah, I'm pretty hot with my pink, gushing eye, Eric. I'll be sure to snap a pic next time. ;)

  4. Replies
    1. Why, does she put on sexy clothes and then slice appendages too?

    2. No but she starts outs awkward but finishes strong, surprising herself and her husband ;)

    3. Haha Jewls--I love how you have faith that even a basket case like me could possibly pull off sexy.

  5. Haha!! I mean, oops! Sorry about your thumb. But that sounded like me. I think I've given up on learning the art of sexiness...

    1. Haha, I bet you rock that art, Ify! But cheers to all of us unsexy people.

  6. Replies
    1. Right? (<--I worked hard to come up with that monosyllabic reply).


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