Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Craving for Anonymity is Contagious

I'm beginning to feel bitter toward my blog, but not in an extreme way where I'm going to wipe the whole thing out and give up on it.  Just in a small, frustrated way.  It's the same old dilemma as always.  I simply can't write what I really want to say.  I still remember my first few blog entries in which no one knew that my blog existed.  I loved that feeling of being able to purge myself freely on a screen that no one else would ever read.  It truly was an online journal.  But now, those truly "purging" entries have long been deleted, and I have at least a dozen unpublished blog entries that I will never have the guts to post.  I used to write about things that mattered to me, but now I'm reduced to writing quaint, generic little pieces on teaching and life, for fear of offending someone or saying the wrong thing.  

Most of this is my own fault.  I went awhile where I thought I wanted my blog to be read, so I allowed it to be discovered through avenues such as Twitter and facebook.  After all, words that never get read is like art that never gets gazed upon...what's the purpose?  But now I am regretting this.  I miss the innate value of writing just to write, and I feel fake when I'm writing for the benefit of others.  I'm not sure what the solution to this is.  Yesterday I removed publication rights to Networked Blogs, deciding that it definitely wasn't for me.  I also took some other steps to pull back that I won't detail here, and overall, I guess I do feel a little bit better.  I still wish though that I could completely and utterly spill out what I really want to say.  I don't know...an anonymous blog is sounding more and more appealing every day.  Or maybe I just need to go back to old school and take up journal-writing again.  The kind you do on real pages.