Sunday, July 25, 2010

Climbing Trees Barefoot and Drunk

The Advantages of Climbing Trees in a Forest in the Middle of the Night Barefoot and Drunk: 
  1. It's fun
  2. It makes you feel like a little kid again
  3. If you fall, the pain is numbed by your blood alcohol level
  4. You can't see all of the little critters that might be in the tree (ants, spiders, etc.), hence enhancing your bravery
  5. No one can see how idiotic you look, cuz it's dark

 The Disadvantages of Climbing Trees in a Forest in the Middle of the Night Barefoot and Drunk:
  1. Even the dark can't hide the fact that you look like an idiot
  2. Being intoxicated gives you a false sense of bravery
  3. You wake up the next morning with gashes and scrapes, with little recollection as to how they got there
  4. The trees wobble even more so than usual when you're drunk
  5. People around you have these contraption-thingies called "cameras," and they're not afraid to use them
So there you have it.  Probably the only list available online outlining the advantages and disadvantages of climbing trees in a forest in the middle of the night while you are barefoot and drunk.  Don't forget to site your source if you use this information within your master's thesis or dissertation.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Good Fighting/Bad Fighting

Fighting in marriage is unavoidable, but most married couples who have been at it for awhile realize that there are both bad and good ways to "argue." So for those who are still a little hazy as to what constitutes "good" fighting versus "bad" fighting, here are a few examples to help illustrate.

Good fighting involves listening attentively to the feelings of your spouse. It involves using "I feel" statements to avoid putting your spouse on the defense, and...all that other good psychobabble stuff.

Okay, so now onto "bad" fighting. An inappropriate way to fight would be to immediately start railing your spouse with accusations and insults without listening to what he or she has to say. And if the wife is droning on and on incessantly, it would be bad for the husband to spray her in the face with the shower nozzle in order to get her to shut-up. This can have the effect of elevating the fight to a new level. Now, if you are a wife who is in this situation, you probably shouldn't retaliate by shooting your husband in the crotch with baby oil while he is wearing his nice karate uniform, knowing that he doesn't have time to change because his class starts in five minutes and hoping that he will look like he wet himself.

That would be a bad way to fight.

But if you are a husband who finds himself in this situation, you probably shouldn't exact your revenge by throwing your wife in the tub and spraying all over her nice clothes with the water nozzle, meanwhile battling her for the baby oil which is now being sprayed all over the room. It's also not particularly nice to make sure that the oil gets all over her hair.

And you definitely shouldn't do all of this in front of the kids, who are laughing hysterically that Mommy and Daddy are kicking each other's asses in the bath tub.

Again, this is a bad way to fight. Not to mention it floods your bathroom to the point that, three hours later, there is still a pond on your floor.

But, of course, all of this is just a hypothetical illustration to help you, the reader, avoid these types of displays in your own marriages. I'm glad that I, for one, am in a mature, adult relationship.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Fireworks and Earthquakes

I've been so busy planning for my grandpa's 80th birthday party (and being obsessed with the soul-sucking internet) that I haven't had time to write a decent post. I had a fun, memorable 4th of July, in which my sister describes in more detail than I have the patience to give at the moment. The highlights for me were the beautiful fireworks at Lake Arrowhead, great conversations with blogging friend Damien, the terrible "B"-type volcano disaster flick we watched that night, the delicious breakfast that greeted us the next morning, and the end-of-the-world plan my sister and I sat and concocted on her patio while our hubbies exchanged meaningful glances conveying messages such as "How'd we wind up marrying these lunatics?"

One other memorable incident from the 4th ocurred as a result of bringing Moses with us to Shannon's house. He was *supposed* to be in the yard with Shan's dog and pig (yes, my sister has a pig. In the mountains. Her name is Charlotte. As in "Charlotte's Web," even though Charlotte was actually the spider. They keep calling their pig a dog though. Not sure what else to say about that...). Anyhow, I woke up quite suddenly that morning to Moses sniffing all around me. I couldn't wrap my mind around this fact so early in the morning, but Moses was mysteriously in the house. We learned later that he had pushed his way through two unsecured doors, busted into the house, woke me...who in turn prodded Clint awake with an exclamation of "What the hell is Moses doing in my sister's house?!" That was right before Shannon's two year-old came and collapsed on me with her cup of crackers because she thought I was her mom. So between a 140 lb dog and a toddler suffering from mommy-twin-confusion, I had my hands full that morning. I think Independence Day is slowly evolving into one of my favorite holidays.

The only other thing worth mentioning (and if you live in California, I apologize, because this is getting really old) is we had an earthquake today. It was a very pleasant 5.4. Just big enough to get the chandeliers swinging, but not big enough to cause alarm. I had called my grandma to ask her a few questions concerning my grandpa's upcoming birthday, and I was just leaving her a message when the quake rolled in. I interrupted my message to her with "Uh...Grandma, we're having an earthquake right now..." and, without realizing it, sort of "narrated" the quake for her over her machine as it was happening. She called me back later this evening, laughing at the fact that, even though they couldn't feel the earthquake in Camarillo, she was still able to experience it through my message. Hey, I'm here to serve...and apparently to leave weird messages on people's machines when nature strikes.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Why Can't I Get Into this Damn Book?

Bookworm Challenge Update: I finished The Last Olympian eons ago but never wrote a review.  So I'm going to make this quick: 

Great conclusion to a light, enjoyable series.  Rick Riordan tidies up all loose ends with a very satisfying resolution, leaving just enough mystery to leave the readers intrigued at the possibilty of a whole new series in the distant future.

I am currently reading Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, and I am struggling with it.  I'm on page 184, and I still have not become absorbed by the book.  I was expecting a captivating love story, but what I'm getting is a long-winded comedy of manners amongst all of these snobby self-absorbed class-consciousness characters.  It's like an 1800's rural England version of Gossip Girl.  Of course I've never watched Gossip Girl before, so I can't really vouch for the validity of that statement.  I'm going to give the book until page 201 to start captivating me (I know, sort of a random number there), or else I'm tossing it in lieu of something much less timeless.  I know, I am the WORST English teacher EVER.  How can I teach seventh graders about literature, and not be able to get through a classic work of art by Jane Austen?  Lord help my poor students.       

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Summer Funk

I didn't do anything productive today.  Well, I take that back; I did four discussion posts for my online class, I wrote two sentences for a paper I have due on Sunday, and I ate three bowls of rocky road ice-cream.  Other than that, I've been a lazy sack.  I told myself I was going to take Moses for a walk today, but I didn't.  I told myself I was going to ride the exercise bike today, but I didn't.  I was supposed to go to kickboxing tonight, but I skipped it in lieu of working on my paper...the same paper that now has two whole sentences to date.  Ughhh.  Bummer of a day. 

Clint strapped 5 lbs ankle weights to my ankles earlier to see if I might want to try them out, and Trinity just came out of her room and asked me what they were.  I explained to her that by carrying around those extra pounds, it was helping to build my leg muscles. 

"Yeah, but don't you have to be walking around for that to work?" She asked.

"Shut it, child" was my eloquent reply.

So here I sit, with my stagnant ankle weights, hoping tomorrow will be more productive.  I get it that part of summer break for teachers should involve some R&R, but all of this relaxation is just depressing.

You know what, this is ridiculous.  Here I am, whining on my blog that I didn't accomplish anything, when this day isn't even over yet.  Screw it, I'm jumping on that exercise bike.  Who cares if it's already least I still have the chance to do having music blasting through my eardrums always lifts up my spirits.

*Update:  I dragged out the exercise bike, got my iPod ready, and wound up sitting on the couch watching TV until bedtime.  Yay for moments of motivation.