Wednesday, April 14, 2010

"You talk too much...maybe that's your way of breaking up the silence that fills you up."

Very aptly stated, Aqualung. But what you probably should have said is "maybe that's your way of adding some interest into your egocentric, self-important life." I feel unsettled today, but it's pretty much my own fault. For some reason, I have this sadistic need to stir up trouble any time life starts getting pleasantly comfortable and boring. I thrive on confrontations. Which is weird, because I don't actually like confrontations, but I am drawn to them in the same way a bug will stupidly gravitate to the electric shocking thingy and ultimately wind up zapped (that metaphor would have sounded a lot better if I knew what the hell I was talking about). A week ago, a friend of mine was venting about something that was troubling her, and rather than offer her comfort, I twisted her own words against her to fulfill my own agenda. Then, a couple days later, I purposely tried to bait "a friend of a friend" on Facebook into a religious debate, just because I think the guy's a jerk, and I wanted to show him up. After that (yes, there's more), I found myself in a situation where I just couldn' t leave well enough alone, and now I don't know how to make right what I've screwed up. I am just sitting here, feeling guilty. I've already apologized to the parties I've hurt, but nothing seems to be happening, and it's just too quiet.

Other than my barrage of evil deeds, I've had a relatively pleasant week. For the first time in months, I have actually slept really well. Apparently wreaking havoc within social networking sites is good on my R.E.M. Of course Monday night I cheated and took a sleeping pill, something I try to avoid doing, but the rest of the nights I fell asleep all on my own. I have actually exercised regularly this week too, so maybe that's helping me to sleep better? Also, I can feel the workouts actually lifting my spirits; not because I love dying of exhaustion and sweating so much, but because every time I exercise, I listen to my iPod, and I just love having beautiful, awesome music blasting into my sure-to-be-deteriorating ears. In fact, I have music blasting in my ears right now, which is a little distracting, but worth it. I NEED music right now.

So I'm going to get my stuff ready for work tomorrow and hope that I get over this twisted craving for controversy and debate.